It has been a while... I just noticed that I have not published anything here since last Summer. At the start it was just that I was so busy travelling that I didn't have time to document the trip here at the same time. But then so much happened that my creativity was put on hold. Things have changed recently though. I am back on my feet, so I feel like I can finally return and strive to be consistent with posting a bit about my life here.
Our Trip Came to an Abrupt End
Last you knew I was in Bilbao. After that we spent a few peaceful days at the Picos de Europa - one of the highlights of our journey. We completed the Ruta del Cares both ways, which was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. While we were doing it, I loved it and barely noticed how dangerous it was. After we completed it, I promised never to return. It was way too scary to realise how far we would fall if we lost our balance!
After stops at León, Puebla de Sanabria, and Bragança, we made our way to my parents' house near Lisboa. Then... We got COVID-19 from my mum. We had to stay at my parents' place for way longer than we had wanted.
We explored a few places in Portugal, including Gerês and Guimarães in the north, which completely stole my heart, before officially restarting our road trip with a few days at the Costa Vicentina. Then we moved on to the south of Spain and stayed at a few cities, including Sevilla, before reaching Barcelona. The highlights from those couple of weeks were the first dip ever of my partner in the Mediterranean Sea (the water is so warm!) and then the storm that welcomed us when we got to Barcelona (it felt like a film...).
France... Let's just say it wasn't my favourite leg of the journey... By this point we had realised that we would have to go back to Ireland within a couple of weeks to sell our car. Our insurance was coming to an end and, despite our best efforts, we could not extend it. Also, people drove like crazy in Marseille! The pâtisserie is to cry for more though.
We crossed France in a couple of days, put our stuff in a storage box in Le Mans (after much ado!), and boarded the boat that took us back to Ireland. Let me just restate how much I hate those ferries! This trip was shorter than the one from Ireland to Spain, so we slept in seats rather than having a room for ourselves. It was not comfortable...
We sold our car within a week, enjoyed Dublin for the few days that we had left before flying back to Portugal, and then came back to the country that we by that point had decided to call home!
We Bought an Apartment in Guimarães
When we arrived in Portugal, I was adamant to go straight to Guimarães. We were planning on buying a Portuguese car and everyone knows that cars are less expensive in the north of the country. Going back on the road trip was still an option, but we were also open to falling desperately in love with Guimarães and settling there instead.
In Guimarães everything just fell into place. We experienced peace again, after a stressful road trip that came to an even more stressful halt. I loved how many cultural events the city had to offer. Suffice to say we did not want to leave. We decided to rent a house there, but I was open to buying one as well.
That's when we met our real estate agent. We got along immediately. He had the perfect apartment for us. My partner wanted a smaller apartment at the start but it was not too hard to convince him. That first apartment that our real estate agent showed us is where I am writing these words from. We signed the deed within a month of viewing it. Again, quite a stressful experience, especially since we had to ask for quite a few documents from Ireland to get the loan.
We (Finally) Adopted a Dog!
Anyone who knows me, knows I love dogs. One of critique partners has even pointed out that there seems to be a dog in the centre of every story I write. The only reason I had not adopted a dog earlier was our instability and my partner's aversion to the idea. He had agreed that I could adopt a dog when we bought a house though, so I took advantage of that moment of weakness and, one or two days after we signed the deed, we went down to the local rescue and chose my four-legged partner.
I did not have many pre-requisites. I just did not want a dog that was very aggressive because, this being the first dog I was in charge of, I did not feel I was experienced enough to deal with that. The rescue worker that welcomed me told me that they had a few puppies that they wanted me to take a look at. We did not make it to the puppy area though. I found my dog at soon as we got to the pen of the male adult dogs.
I have a whole article on Medium about my dog Money. That dog was my support system through some rough years. I love him to bits. When I saw Bifanas's eyes, they reminded me of Money. I started crying buckets immediately. It was like Bifanas had pressed a button that opened a dam that I could not for the life of me close again. The rescue worker saw the state I was in and took me back into the building while they brought Bifanas to me.
Back then his name was Panzer, but he did not know it well. I decided a war name was not going to cut it so I named him Bifanas as well. The following six months were spent training him. He has separation anxiety so he still cannot stay at home without us for long. The maximum we got so far was 23 minutes!
Adopting a dog has been a challenge, but one I wouldn't swap for any other. I love this dog. My dog. Not mine in terms of ownership. But mine in terms of him being the only dog in the world as far as my heart is concerned.
My Dad Died
I can tell I am doing well when I am back on track with my clients. I always give myself unrealistic deadlines and I inevitably fall behind when my personal life gets messier. I turned things around in December though. I was up-to-date with my clients, Bifanas's training protocol was going well, and I was even able to hold my shit together over Christmas with my family. Until my dad decided to die.
I had saved him once before and so had the rest of my family, but there was nothing I could have done this time to avoid his suicide. He had been dealing with mental health struggles since a very young age and this outcome seemed almost inevitable now that we look back at it. That's what one of his therapists says too.
There was an autopsy because it was a violent death, there was a funeral that I helped plan and that I read a short speech written by me in, and then there was dealing with not only the death but its circumstances and all the trauma that it brought back to the surface.
My Mental Health Journey Continued
I have my anti-suicide contract right in front of me. It says that, as part of my therapeutic program, I will resist the initiative to commit suicide. And that's what I have been doing. Some days it is harder, some days the thought does not even cross my mind...
Regardless, I keep going. That's all I have to do. Just be kind to myself and do my best at any given moment.
I have been consistent with going to therapy for many months now - maybe almost an year! It has helped me tremendously. My therapist reminds me of the positive perspectives I so often ignore.
It has been two and a half months since my father passed away and I wanted to not be grieving anymore, but my therapist says that I am still grieving. That is part of where I am right now and I keep trying to remind myself of that so that I can foster kindness in my heart instead of guilt.
I Reconnected with My Creativity
I am up-to-date with my clients as of this morning. If that doesn't tell you I am feeling better, I don't know what will!
I want to be an author ever since I was a kid. After many years of avoiding my destiny, I am once again embracing it. I have too many stories inside of me. I cannot afford to ignore them - I would probably explode! So, I might as well write them, learn how to edit them, and then put them out there to hopefully give something good to the world through them.
This week I also started streaming on Twitch, which has helped my productivity a lot. Two hours everyday spent on creative projects is a lot when I am as focused as I am during the streams. I finished writing my project Nova, edited the two poems and one short story I have here on my website, and I wrote this journal entry. All in four days!
After work I also spend one hour learning game development most days. I am learning how to build games with the Godot game engine to hopefully create a simulation game (think The Sims and Stardew Valley) in the Vortex world, where project Nova and several of my other stories are set. It will be months before I can create my game. So far I am loving the challenge of learning something so logical after years of mostly tailoring to my creative side.
I participated in NaNoWriMo in 2021 and I did not enjoy the experience. There was too much focus on a number of words and that did not let me explore my creativity like I needed at that specific point of my life. I am ready to give it another go though! For Camp NaNoWriMo April 2023 I am fleshing out my Vortex world to the point in which I have the most detailed wiki possible, as well as visual aids like maps and illustrations. That will help me when I revise project Nova in May.
This weekend I am also participating on the Storyteller's Hearth Weekend Relay. I will be editing the whole time. Having printed over 50 pages of content to edit, I am sure I will not run out!
Oh, and I also started posting daily toots over on Mastodon. After years of hating mainstream social media platforms, I finally found a place where I feel like I can add to the conversation without adding to unethical profits.
I am not sure what you can wait from me here. I have not decided what I want to post here and what I want to post on Medium. I will try to be more consistent regardless of the content of my journal entries. If nothing else, I will try to keep you updated about both my life and my creative endeavours. See you soon!
