CONTENT WARNING: death/dying; domestic abuse (emotional, physical, verbal); murder; violence.
The silent darkness that envelops me is replaced by sunlight. Lush crowns of yew trees frame the clear sky. The familiar cemetery and its old church take shape around me. Aileen kneels less than an arm's length away.
Her shoulders move up and down as if sobbing, but no sound comes out and no tears rush down her cheeks. I am so close to her, yet she does not notice me. No words come out of me when I try to call for her attention. I can't move closer to her either.
This is where my family is buried. The grave where my young cousin rests, the one I visited every weekend for years, is just behind Aileen. A grey plaque rests on the unsettled ground below me. The gold letters on the stone say Colm.
My name.
Glimpses of my last night alive cross my brain. I focus on them. It was dark outside the large windows. The dim lights in our living room gave it an eerie atmosphere. Aileen screamed by the fireplace, her black hair up in a messy bun. Her mascara staining her cheeks. She held my phone close to my face, displaying the inoffensive message a coworker had sent me earlier.
*Do you hear me?!* she yelled, slapping me to retain my attention. I heard her, but I didn't want to. I escaped to the woods that surrounded our home, telling her we would chat about it tomorrow. Giving us both time to cool down. Aileen's jealous fits rarely lasted until the morning.
She followed me. Her footsteps were quiet, dangerous. She should have brought the work boots to protect her from the traps that the mindless poachers sometimes set in the area. I turned around, ready to carry her back to our cabin safely.
She held something long with both her hands. In the gloomy moonlight, it was impossible to tell what it was. Her furious expression came out of the shadows and sent shrills up my spine. I sprinted away, unwilling to face her anger, but I hesitated too long. A flat thud resonated inside my head. The deadly impact of whatever she held propelled me forward.
I am back at the cemetery. The pull from the sky increases. I gather speed as the ground below shrinks.
I take in our town one last time. Houses and shops, bright and colourful. The tall castle that has always welcomed me after long days at work. The park I ran in almost daily with Aileen. The hurrying river that connects it all.
I can't spot my folks' farm from up here. It is slightly off town. Glee takes over when I remember the two cows we took in as pets when I was a child. Their tails wagged every time they saw me. Distance grew between my parents and I as we got older, but our long evenings playing board games and watching telly were the only escape keeping me sane when hostility with Aileen heightened.
Aileen disappears into the blurred landscape, and so does the limbo in which I lived for months. On the worst nights, when she turned our house upside down, all I wanted was to leave. But I always stayed for the best nights, when she made me feel like the most loved person on the planet.
I look forward to whatever awaits me beyond this sky. No more screaming. No more running. Just this unexpected cloud that embraces me and dissipates all my worries.